User blog comment:Memai/Why I cannot take your OC seriously./@comment-5283064-20120211232959/@comment-4369319-20120212084516

Oh babycakes, where do I begin? I thought your work was terrible. And with good reason too.

I'm gonna give you a little, condensed critique of your story and character. And I'm hoping that you at least think about it. Take it in and maybe part with something, dig?

Okay. So, bullet points: - C-Money is a really, really ridiculous name. And more so because it's YOUR nickname. Why would you name a character after yourself? It annoys readers because when we make the connection, that's when we lose any and all interest. To a reader, it's like watching someone masturbate; it's pleasurable to the person doing it, but it's completely boring to the people watching. No one wants to see a souped-up-you going in and around kicking all manner of asses.

- Your friends need to start thinking up of better nicknames to give you if that's how you're naming your characters.

- It's completely fine to want to write a character that shares a lot of the things you like or would like to do/have, but you have to stop at names and physical descriptions, or something that is otherwise very telling of you. Stephanie Meyer gets a lot of shit for Bella Swan, because she shares a lot of physical characteristics with the author.

- Your story jumps from one ridiculous plot point to another, with no closure, no loose ends tied. Your characters also tend to mention the most bizarre things ever, like having dealings with so-and-so or knowing this-and-that-person, but after that one brief mention, it's never acknowledged again. This is annoying as all hell because when you put something in the story, readers regard it as important. They make a mental note of it. It is especially annoying when we hold on to that piece of information, only to find out that it's completely useless and you were just pulling our leg. This is called a 'red herring', and it's best used in thrillers, mystery or horror type of stories. And even then it has to be used carefully. Readers don't like being duped. You don't like buying a pack of bacon only to find out it's synthetic soy crap. You feel cheated and so do your readers.

- "It was the agent gave the pistol to C-Money, which was his dad's pistol, and told him that his friends are kidnapped by the same person who killed his parents." That is still unbelievably stupid. Why? If the agent KNEW that it was a kidnapping, he KNEW this kidnapper was also a murderer, he wouldn't have given a gun to a MINOR and tell him to go get the guys himself. The agent would've just done the job himself, or inform someone like, I don't know, THE POLICE?

- Did you know that you need a license to own a gun (legally, anyway, but I'm guessing that's not how C-Money rolls) and one of the requirements for getting said license, is to be 18 years old? The agent would know this and wouldn't give it to someone who was still legally a child.

- The new coach/gym teacher is nothing sort of creepy. Hanging around teenagers around clubs? Do you even talk to adults, dude? There were other points that made him stand out to be creepy, that one bit was the one that stuck out the most.

- The way you write is painful. You literally tell the reader everything, instead of showing it. Oh my god, yes, there's a difference! Here let me show you:

Telling is where you literally spell things out for the readers. EX: "He's really mad." Okay, but how is he mad? Readers aren't dumb and can piece things together. Saying 'he's mad' or 'he got up and did this' is so robotic and boring.

Showing, does this instead: "He slammed his fist on the table, he gritted his teeth and took in a sharp breath. How could she have betrayed him? What had he done wrong?" This one shows that the character is not only clearly upset, but also clued in the readers as to WHY he's upset. It also shows the readers, albeit indirectly, about your character's personality. A calmer character wouldn't have reacted in the same way, and a colder/distant character would be bothered less about a betrayal.

See what I'm getting at?

- Finally, your lack of logic is appalling. Some suspension of belief is allowed in any story, you just went ahead and flung it through space, man. FBI agents giving kids guns? Jocks quoting the outsiders? BB gun pellets shooting off blades? Older adults hanging around kids? CIA missions being known? C-Money and Co. knowing all sorts of shifty characters with no consequences? Sure, reality is boring and we like to indulge in a bit of fantasy now and then, but if you're going to set your story in a realistic universe like Bully, some form of realism is enforced.

I'd write more, but I think I'll spend my words on writing that blogpost I promised. But look, if you ever want a critique? Professor and I are usually up for doing a chapter-by-chapter analysis or even helping out with writing your character(s).