Fortunes

Fortunes can be bought at Billy Crane's Traveling Carnival for 25 cents. Most of the fortunes seem to be negative, though a select few are positive or logical. A few fortunes show reference to things in the game.

List of Fortunes
Fortunes do not appear in this order, they are generated in random order.
 * 80% of people consider themselves above average.
 * A bird in the hand is better than a bird on the roof, unless it has really sharp claws.
 * A house without a toilet is uncanny.
 * All signs point to: no chance.
 * A man's home is his castle, only less resistant to catapults.
 * Avoid taking unnecessary gambles. Lucky numbers: 12, 32, 28, 31, 44.
 * Bad advice causes mistakes, then laughter.
 * Before you act, check with your mother.
 * Being rude is no substitue for being right.
 * Beware of angry men carring weapons.
 * Big words prove nothing except that you have a big mouth.
 * Boxing is a gentleman's sport, but only if gentlemen play it.
 * Bully is as bully does.
 * By swallowing evil wordsunsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
 * Confession is good for your sould but bad for you reputation.
 * Consider a career in politics.
 * Consider the possibility that no one likes you.
 * Consider this: no turkey ever voted for an early Christmas.
 * Consider trying less hard.
 * Don't be so self-centered.
 * Don't blow out another's candle to make your shine brighter.
 * Don't forget to change your socks.
 * Don't mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
 * Don't trust fortune tellers.
 * Do not argue with the person packing your parachute.
 * Do not throw glasses if you live in a stone house.
 * Do you know who your friends are?
 * Everything is not yet lost.
 * Facts don't stop existing just because they're ignored.
 * Forgive your enemies - it really annoys them.
 * Get a life.
 * Get over yourself. Jerk.
 * Good luck. You'll need it.
 * Have you considered running away from your problems?
 * Have you considered getting plastic surgery? You should.
 * Help! I'm trapped inside this machine!
 * If at first you don't succeed, consider giving up.
 * If life gives you lemons, give life a raspberry.
 * If life gives you lemons consider going into the citrus business.
 * If people flatter you they're probably lying.
 * If you're a real jerk all the time, people might not notice you're useless.
 * If you're on high cliff, don't jump to conclusion.
 * If you don't succeed, you run the risk of failure.
 * If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed.
 * If you go camping, beware of evil intent.
 * If you live in a glass house, change in the basement.
 * If you need to get the point, sit on a tack.
 * If you put your face in fruit drink, you might get punch in nose.
 * If your house is burning you might as well try to stay warm.
 * In later life, you will find somewhere you fit in and belong. Jail.
 * Isn't it about time you got a job?
 * It's a good time to stop waffling. Maybe.
 * It's hard to prophecy, especially about the future.
 * It's only going to get worse.
 * Just give up.
 * Just imagine you'll succeed.
 * Keep trying.
 * Let's hope you will grow into your face.
 * Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
 * Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 * No one likes a whiner.
 * No plan survives contact with the enemy. Plan accordingly.
 * Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.
 * Peeing your own pants only keeps you warm for a short while.
 * Regular showers are a good thing.
 * Right now, somewhere out there, someone is making out with a girl.
 * Running behind a car is exhausting.
 * Stand up to be seen. Speak up to be heard. Shut up to be appreciated.
 * Stay home, read a book.
 * The answer to your question is: maybe.
 * The greatest danger could be your own stupidity.
 * The pen is mightier than the sword, especially if properly sharpened and in the hands of a well trained ninja.
 * There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
 * The reality is: the customer is not always right.
 * The weather pays no attention to criticism.
 * They say they're your friends, but they laugh at you behind your back.
 * Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
 * Today, tell someone you love them. You might get lucky.
 * To err is human, to blame someone is even more so.
 * To know nothing is bad. To not wish to know anything, worse.
 * Tomorrow will be a nice day.
 * Travel broadens the minds, if you have one to begin with.
 * Two wrongs do not make a right, but 3 lefts do.
 * What exactly is your problem?
 * What you really need is some sort of medication.
 * When in charge, think. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
 * When things go wrong, don't follow along.
 * You're doomed. Sorry.
 * You're not all that.
 * You're not as dumb as you look. That would be impossible.
 * You're not paranoid - everyone really does hate you.
 * You're smart and handsome, just like your mom always says you are.
 * You're wasting your life.
 * You are almost there.
 * You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
 * You might as well keep trying. It might make you feel better.
 * You need a haircut.
 * You should go to bed early tonight.
 * You will be involved in a fight soon.
 * You won't get anywhere if you think you're already there.