Board Thread:Bully Fanon Writing Club/@comment-5385060-20170623050546/@comment-4369319-20170702122400

Since you mentioned wanting concrit... here goes nothing :D

So, to start off! I really, really like that she has a friendship with Lola. I often find fandom is very, very quick to dismiss Lola, and I'm glad you were sharp-eyed to catch the 'misunderstood' vibe she gives off in-game. I also really like the description of her and Milo's relationship, where a lot of it was in her head and was just her projecting what their relationship *could have* been. I also like that, despite having mental issues of her own, she's able to find a set of friends so she could 'start' anew, which I find is very realistic. No one stays lonely forever unless they were trying to, and it seems like Toni's genuine in trying to get back to a good place, even if she has selfish motivations for herself.

I think what needs to be improved or added on is for you to talk more about her personality. We have a pretty good gist of her backstory, but we don't see enough of her personality wise or what her relationships with the other characters are like, outside of what's already written on the bio page you linked. I think there also needs to be an explanation as to why she's "pulling strings from the shadows". Does being in the Greaser clique let her stand above people who would've otherwise belittled her? Or does she feel that she's got a powerful set of friends that she could use to her own selfish advantages. Her motives are a bit hazy here, wouldn't hurt to expand on that :D

I think she defiintely has potential, and I look forward to seeing more of her ^w^ Definitely an interesting character for sure!