User blog comment:TheToughGuy/The Final Year At Bullworth For C-Money: Chp. 40/@comment-3027764-20131103164306

Your story does have an interesting flow to it, but can I make a couple of suggestions? For dialogue, I found it a little confusing that it was all in one paragraph. After dialogue, it doesn't need to have 'I said' or '___ said' at the end of it. Using this bit for an example;

''I walked back into the dorm and went into the common room. Greg was in there watching the news some more about the rioting. Michael wasn't in there though. "Where's Michael?" I asked Greg. Greg looked up at me and said, "You're back? Where's Charles?" "He's helping his uncle get rid of some bodies. We had to kill some G.S. Crew. Charles might bring him and the rest of the family here for safety", I said.''

Instead, it could be like this;

''I walked back into the dorm and went into the common room. Greg was in there watching the news some more about the rioting.''

''I turned to Greg. "Where's Michael?" I asked, noticing that Michael wasn't there. ''

''Greg looked up from the TV screen. A look of surprise spread across his face. "You're back? Where's Charles?" ''

"He's helping his uncle get rid of some bodies. We had to kill some G.S. Crew. Charles might bring him and the rest of the family here for safety."

Just a suggestion.

Something that distracted me a little, so much mentioning of death and gun fighting, it felt like a GTA fanfic, that just happened to be set in Bullworth. Perhaps some chapters, where the kids go to the movies, or have fun at the carnival. Maybe a class or something? Some fist fighting. Something that ties it with Bully.